I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This baby is an asshole
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize