yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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