yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
