if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
