tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
