The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
