i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize