I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
