That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
