He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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