Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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