What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
