I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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