you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
