Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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