I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We need to get me chipped asap
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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