I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
