I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
