so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
