He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
And then he peed in my hair
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