My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
