You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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