I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
