I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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