her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
