dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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