i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you didnt know i had herpes?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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