So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
