Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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