Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
