Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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