dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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