So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
