He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
