No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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