I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
