2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
