life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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