He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
