Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
