We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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