In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
