Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
