Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
COCAINE IS GR8
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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