Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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