Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
