Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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