Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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