So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
