before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
