On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
