You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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