Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
