I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
