I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
